Now imagine this goldfish bowl doesn’t sit next to the window of some retired professor’s country home. Imagine it sits in the middle of the hottest party of the century.

Sure you can see it, you can hear it, you can even feel the vibration, but you just can’t live it. Enter the lives of New York City law students and medical students.

On school holidays, walking into a bar, any bar really, you are likely standing next to one of them, swallowing their drinks too fast, tired and excited at the same time. You will, like I have, soon realized they are the hardest group of people to date in the city, right after musicians.

Now that does not mean they aren’t some of the best men out there. They are intelligent, confident and yet strangely modest, can also give you great advices when you are sick or gets a ticket because you throw your used metrocard on the subway floor. They are also very passionate in bed and a lot safer because they really have no time to sleep around.

So what have I learned?

1. They are insecure.
Jake went to Harvard University for undergrad. He thought he was one of the smartest out there. Up until graduation he thought, how hard could law school be? After all he graduated with honor from HARVARD and almost effortlessly got into the best law school in NYC, Columbia Law, with a big fat scholarship. When the first semester pasted, Jake was another person. He went from a slightly egotistic and overly confident witty lad to being insecure, passive and even unable to handle most social situation with grace. What happened? No matter how much you study, you will never be good enough. No matter how much you prepare, you will never be ready. At least not in the first year of law school, as the fellow victims would refer to as 1L. Same goes for medical students who are doing their residence.

2. They lose their common sense.
They are spending 20 hrs per day studying something that was made to challenge common sense, and composed because common sense wasn’t enough to live by. Jake once said: “I don’t even know how to interact with people at a party. The people I interact with everyday, they are just so… they don’t feel like human.” So don’t be offended when they act strangely or suddenly retreat to their little world. After all, like Frankenstein, they are In Experimentation. Be patient.

3. When they say they are busy, surprise! THEY ARE.
I know that little voice at the back of your head. How can they be too busy to see you? They can. I dated William for almost a year. He was a first year resident medical student at the time. He worked 6 days a week, in which 2 days were 24 hours, and the other 4 days were 12 hours. I did manage to fit in the in between time he had, and ended up becoming good buddy with his dog Dee, who was depressed because the lack of attention from William. If they do like you, they will see you once or twice a week, and please don’t be greedy about it.

4. Don’t hang out with their friends too much.
Did I say he could be insecure? Let me say it again then. Imagine sitting in a fish bowl watching his girl laughing and dancing with his friends all the time. Sure a “normal” man may think it’s cool his girl gets along with his friends, but a “normal” man don’t have a fish bowl. When they are tired and feeling restless at 2am in the dead silence of a law school library or hospital office, you want them to think of you and think you are out with your girls and you are thinking about him, NOT that you are out with his friends. He knows his friends well and knows they probably end up liking you because damn he likes you and you must be fabulous. Then his insecurity will kick in and he will start to think the rest of them have time for you and you are probably better off with them (since you already are). What? You want him to fight for your attention? HE DOESNT HAVE THE TIME!

5. They are, surprisingly, good in bed.
If they don’t pass out as soon as they hit the bed after not sleeping for 36 hours, they will most likely satisfy you in bed than other guys. It’s weird right? I thought so at first. But they have been programmed everyday to be the best, to impress and to do the right thing. That energy transfers into the bedroom as well. You will be surprised their needs almost became less important to them. (Sometimes if you don’t have sex at all you are actually less likely to feel the need to than someone who does everyday). Tell him what works for you. It will feed his already diminishing ego watching you turned on by him.

6. Adapt their ways of communication.
You like to talk on the phone for hours? Or text every five minutes? No gonna work with a Law or Medical student. Try Instant Message, any on-line chatting tool, especially for law student, they are in front of their computer most of the time. If he is a nerd, makes him think you are part of that nerdiness. Give him time before he types his line, let him have enough space to switch from law mode to love mode. Sometimes in the middle of the night when he is tired and a little sore on life, he goes to check your away message like he does so often, it happens to be a funny law joke. Sure it’s just a smile on his face you can’t even see, but it means so much more to him than you can ever imagine.

7. Watch those damn TV shows, but don’t take it seriously please.
You watch Grey’s Anatomy religiously. You are obsessed with those steaming hook-ups between doctors and interns, between doctors, and between interns. And then you realized, wow, is that the world your man lives in? No, it isn’t. The interns and doctors are never that good-looking. Although it may seem easier for him to date someone in his class or his hospital (your insecurity speaks), but think again, if you are in a fish bowl, do you really want to spend your time away with someone who you see everyday when you are in it? Some may do, but most of them crave to be with someone who will take them away from that reality, aka, YOU.

8. Don’t try to pursue a serious relationship with them if you are not already in one with him.
I know it sounds harsh, but think about it. Is it really fair for you to spend few hours a week with your boyfriend? Are you really going to be satisfied? You may say so now, but few months later, would you feel the same? He is scared he couldn’t give you the commitment a boyfriend needs to give, and he doesn’t want to start something that would end up bad. If he calls you and spends the little free time he has only with you and sometimes with his buddies, then be content with it. It is his way and only way to show you that you are special to him. He doesn’t even have to plan showing such emotion. If he likes you, as soon as that short away-from-fishbowl-break starts, he couldn’t wait to pick up his phone and call you and to see you. Don’t make him have the second thought about picking up that phone by cornering him with any relationship talk. (Jake repeatedly told me to write this part down, he had to give up his favorite girl for the very same reason. Poor Jake really liked her and for an intense moment he hated law school before he went back to the library the next day.)

9. Don’t cry if you find out he hooked up with one of his classmate. (of course only if you are not in a relationship)
Sure it hurts, sure you think they are already spending all their daytime together, add sex to it, they could very well be a couple. Unlikely. Most hook-ups in law school and medical school happen when neither of the participants is being themselves. Most of the time, what-they-need plays a larger part than what-they-want. He wants you, but you will never understand what he is going through. He even feels bad spending few hours with you and has to leave for a study group when your bed is still warm. But his law school classmate understands, she won’t judge, and she doesn’t have the time either. It doesn’t mean he likes you any less or he rather be with the other girl. Trust me, if you are sad, give some space, but don’t try to do anything to hurt him. When he is sad and hurt, unlike a musician who can retreat to his favorite activity, music, your man has to go bury himself in heavy and dull law and medical books, which trust me isn’t fun for them either. If you want to leave, just leave in peace, don’t make their survival harder than it already is.

10. Don’t for a second doubt who you are.
After 1 to 9, I hope you see that law school and medical school is a condition and your man is in a conditional state. He is not always himself. If you’d meet him some other time, things would be different between you two. If you start to date him before he goes into the fishbowl and he has changed, don’t ever for a second think something is wrong with you. If you start to date him when he is already in the fish bowl, ask yourself truly, do you really REALLY like him enough to stick around for all those ups and downs. If you do, just continue being yourself, and it can be worth it somewhere down the road.

My friend Jeanette who is latina never dates any type of men except white men, or at most half white and half latino who looked just white. She made it clear both verbally and in action. Yes, we got a lot looks when you make a comment like, “Awww, he is kinda cute, too bad he isn’t white.” Is she being racist? She would never make such distinction in other events of life, so does that give she the right to do so in love?

When Jake, who is mixed with every race you can imagine, first met Saide who is asian, Fiona, who is white, suggested that he introduce one of his friends to Helen. Jake immediately said, “Well, let’s see, I imagine you like Asian man…” “Why because I’m Asian?” Sadie pretended to be offended and of course Jake explained where he came from and asked the inevitable question: “So what’s your type then?”

“I’m an equal opportunist.” Said Sadie. (good answer)

Now another friend of mine, Andre, who is black, who owns a club in Brooklyn, once asked me if I could introduce him to my college friend Patience, who is also black, but comes from Ghana, who I took to his club. I said it wouldn’t work. “Why she doesn’t date black men?” I hated when people say such thing, and I didn’t even meant to when I blurred out (which was nevertheless the truth): “Nah, she only dates black men from Africa.” “I see…” “Don’t get offended, she has her thing, she also swears never date a Nigerian men.” “Why?” “Apparently that’s common knowledge in Africa. She said her dad would kill her.”

With all that in mind I walked into a deli at 4am with Daniel, who is half black and half white. We had gone out with the group and decided to leave at different time and meet at the deli few blocks away. Yes, we are seeing each other, but part of us thought it was the right thing to do to keep it quiet. Daniel was hungry, looking through the pastry section. I looked at his features for a moment. “What’s your type?” I asked.

“Huh?” He paid more attention to the pastries.

“Women. What type of women do you date?”

“The type that’s not crazy.” He picked up some pastries and put in a brown paper bag.

“That’s hard to find around here.” I laughed. He walked over to the counter and smiled, I didn’t let him off easy. “You know what I mean.”

“Well, it doesn’t really matter. I think I would be attracted to a woman who reminds me of my mother.”

I looked at him with a horrified look, so did the store clerk.

“Come on. Most men feel that way, but they won’t ever admit to you. Take Jake for example, his mother has long and dark hair and light skinned, very intelligent and independent women, now look at Jake’s dating record.”

At that moment, I wanted to find out what Daniel’s mother looked like. Only for a brief moment, then I decided to let it go. After all we are right here and right now. From the look in his eyes, I knew it didn’t matter if I fit in his usual type.

“What about you?” He asked. “What’s your type?”

“Will that be all?” The clerk looked at the brown bag and asked almost at the same time. I looked down at the counter and picked up a black&white cookie. “And this one as well please. I like my black&white cookie.”

Daniel laughed out loud. Five minutes later I was eating my cookie in his car.

“How is your cookie?” He asked.

“I don’t yet, it’s too early to tell.”

So we have it. Race and dating date back to Cleopatra and Othello and the tension might even have been there before it became political. I try not to be a cheese ball by saying it’s about the person after all. But now looking at Daniel sleeping next to me, i’m just happy it’s him.

My friend Sadie told me she has been thinking about Jake a lot. From the seriousness of her voice I knew the balance of rule No.1 has been disturbed. Sadie is one of those girls who likes to dance, to kiss and to do lots things, but just don’t expect her to go home with you. Some calls her an irresponsible tease, but she knows she is scared to make an irreversible mistake. Being sexy and all, she is still a virgin.

“Forget it. I have too much to lose.” She whispered on the phone and I knew it was because Fiona was around.

“Maybe Jake is the one.” I sipped on the port wine that topped my shot glass.

“For what?”

“For your first time, maybe you can ask Fiona how he was.”

She made a pissed off sound. We talked about the rule No.1 for another thirty minutes. After I hung up, I started to feel restless. Rule No.1 is crucial to maintain sisterhood and just how far can we bend the rules? I looked at the ultra light cigarette and felt like reaching for one even I had swear to quit. Suddenly I felt like a criminal, because I remember the taste of that not-so-light cigarette Jake had smoked before we kissed.

We only kissed once. Just once, and it will never happen again.

Six month later, as winter slashed through the morning rush hour. I looked outside of Daniel’s window. “It didn’t snow.” I said, staring at the dry and clean cross streets of 78th and Columbus. “I told you so.” Daniel looked up from his bed. “It only snowed downtown, where you came from, but you were probably too drunk to remember.” He chuckled.  I looked back at him, and suddenly realized we lived in two different worlds. You know like when you are on the subway and your train is passing by another train that traveled in the same speed. You look through the window at the person sitting in the same position on the other train, who may just be looking back at you and thinking the same thing behind that emotionless facade. You both are thinking, how funny it is that you are so close and yet, ever so far away. At that very moment, I felt that way about Daniel. He was so close. The air between us was still warm from sex. Our lips were still swollen and our body still vibrated with the same rhythm. But I knew something wasn’t right and someday we were going to become strangers.

Little did I know that was merely the beginning. Love can be erotic and tragic. Lust can be innocent and blissful. Everyday we say a little prayer in this big city that someday we will fall with grace.